Letters To Australia

Would you have picked me for a camper? Probably not.

But by the same token, it’s unlikely many people who know me would have thought I’d become so enamored with Krav Maga before it happened, or would have thought I had the willpower to become (and remain) a vegetarian, or the dedication to get such a high enter (not because I’m dumb, because I’m lazzzzy).

…

This is what I tell myself when it occurs to me that I wouldn’t have picked me for a camper.

But Missouri is so sterile and so stale that I’m feeling claustrophobic in this vast expanse of dead grass, and I find myself longing to be outside somewhere that has a version of nature involving wilderness beyond grey squirrels and nicely arranged Oaks.

I want plants and birds and animals and water, even in the form of rivers or creeks. I miss being near the ocean terribly.

I rather suspect Juno will love camping equally, since her three favourite things are, in no particular order, me, Ace and being outside. Juno the camping dog.

As you can see below, Juno had some opinions as to where we should go camping, but based on weather forecasts, financial restraints and personal preferences, we were forced to deny her adamant insistence that we visit South Dakota.

Sorry June Bug.

The human-designed itinerary is more southern. The everglades was scrapped since Florida is along way away and has little else of interest besides alligators and swamp (though I will admit I had my heart set on riding in one of those boats with the huge fans on the back and whizzing through the swamps of southern Florida), but the trip should still be amazing.

The plan involves

1. Memphis. Tennessee, mostly because it’s on the way

2. down to New Orleans, Louisiana, to ingest culture and very tasty food
3. across to Austin then Kerrville, Texas – family stop, we might camp the night, we might stay in a house, we might not stop longer than a few hours, who knows?

4. up through New Mexico stopping in:

a. Roswell to buy alien masks

b. Hatch to eat chilis (or watch Ace eat them)

c. Truth or Consequence to verify that a town by that name actually exists, and then perhaps

d. Albuquerque and

e. Santa Fe to check out the scene

5. then it’s north toMesa Verde National Park, in Colorado, to have a look at some ancient cities built into cliffs, amongst other things

6. point 6 will find us hopefully camping somewhere pretty and arid in Colorado

7. then point seven will see us speeding through Kansas in the rMobile (through Topeka, which I’ve never seen), followed closely by Misery Missouri where we will evntually come to rest, finally, at the rPod.

The original plan involved a three hour drive to a pretty cave in southern Missouri and a three hour drive back the next day, but the roads are flooded so we’ve been forced to design a ridiculously fun camping trip encompassing eight states and more places than I can be bothered counting.

I’m still so excited about Canada that I might implode, but this camping trip involves taking on more of the US than I ever dreamed I’d get done this year. If the great white north doesn’t make me implode, the warm south just might.

I was reading a blog that has something to do with how to be a better human, and one thing it suggested was ‘Every year go somewhere you’ve never been before.’

Good advice, I think.

We went to Columbia today (Columbia the city in Missouri, not Colombia the country, else this post would be a whole lot more interesting) and I bought a pretty hip jacket that makes me look like I jog and hike and drink wheat grass juice and things. I do not.

When I was checking out the woman picked my accent and started telling me about a friend she has in Australia. Apparently the friend’s kid says ‘buggers’ a lot, which confuses the nice check out lady, and the friend herself lives in ‘New Victoria.’

I’m not really sure where that is.

First Thing:

I’m having a wonderful time here. At times I’m bored, yes, but anyone who suggests that I may as well have stayed on PI and been bored at ‘home’ has no clue.

The last two years have been giving me eye twitches and panic attacks, so no, it would not have been quite the same.

Also, just because I’m bored on occasion doesn’t mean I’m bored all the time. Far from it.

I’ve traveled HALF WAY ACROSS THE WORLD. I’m in a totally different place. Totally different landscape. Totally different culture. It is an experience in itself, even if it’s not yielding the most interesting stories.

[Edited because I have no integrity]
Second Thing:

Tonight Ace and I went to Papa John’s and got pizza.

American Pizza is not the same as Australian pizza, it’s kind of floppy, the base is sweeter and it’s infinitely more unhealthy. I love it.

I took pictures because blogs are boring without pictures:

Ace takes pizza very seriously.

As do I, because pizza is a very serious subject.

(See all the hair on my left side? gonna shave it. Yeah.)

This piece of pizza agrees with the seriousness of itself.

I would like to throw this at someone.

Third Thing:

This guy is so ridiculously hip it causes me physical pain to look at him.

He’s riding a donkey. On a highway.

Is this even legal?

I love it.

EDIT: ok so it turns out that’s a picture of a house, not a ridiculously hip old man on a donkey on a highway, but if you click the picture it opens another windows and displays itself in all its hillbilly glory. promise.

Sally, honey, it seems to me that you christians are much much better at the whole recruitment and indoctrination thing than us humble gays.

Also, not to sound religion-phobic, but I’m pretty sure religion has toppled more societies than homosexuality, which holds a grand total of none.

You hateful bitch.

Last night, as I waited impatiently in the cold for Juno to pee, I looked at the sky and thought the house and the trees must be blocking my view of the southern cross.

It was only when I continued searching for familiar constellations that I realised my folly: there is nothing familiar about this sky.

Getting a dog is something Richard and I have talked about a lot, and whenever I’m here we generally check out the local animal shelters to see if any particular puppy cries out ’save me!’

A few days ago, one did.

The shelter says she’s an eight week old Chow Chow Basset Hound mix, but since she and her litter were dumped, it’s hard to say. She’s most likely an alien.

She was very nearly named Tater, as in Potato, but it didn’t fit. After much deliberation (Asimov, Oliver, Harry, Kit, Hippo, and Ducky were thrown around), Ace suggested Juno and it worked.

[Juno? As in the city in Alaska?

No.

Oh...]

She’s an Aquarius with a great sense of humour who would enjoy long walks on the beach if she had a beach. She chews anything that doesn’t move and some things that do, but prefers Grampy’s slippers, table legs and metal bolts. Her favourite colour is light black, her favourite food is plantain chips, she is afraid of nothing and one day hopes to be toilet trained.

Here’s Juno:

Seventy-four things I hate eating:

capers

pepper

chilis

raw onion

olives

sushi

prawns

scallops

oysters

pavlova

vegemite

rye bread

processed meat

lite milk

lite ice cream

lite anything

scrambled tofu

beer

spring onions

pumpernickel bread

poppy seeds

scotch

molasses

dim sims

crab sticks

anchovies

anchovy paste

Aldi wine

starburst lollies

chips from the co-op

marshmallows

sweet potato

brussel sprouts

jelly

trifle

meringue

veggie burgers from the burger king in terminal four at Los Angeles International Airport*

chicken nuggets

fish fingers

hot dogs

sausages

chives

crackling

salmiak

bamboo shoots

mung beans

water chestnuts

milk

coconut

sultanas

raisins

ripe bananas

ripe pears

ripe nectarines

burnt pumpkin

licorice

meat pies

pasties

blue cheese

cherry ripes

mint

parsley

cooked carrot

green capsicum

yellow capsicum

McDonalds hamburgers

soft serve

Pizza Hut pizza

KFC

cooked pineapple

gingerbread

dark chocolate

Dr Pepper

root beer

*the only vegetarian fare in the ENTIRE terminal