It’s been a bit quiet on the blog front, no?
It’s because I’m so BUSY… sitting in a car getting sunburnt mostly. But when i have internet access I usually have better things to do, like eating my weight in brownies in Buda, getting my hair shaved off in Austin, eating sandwiches by the beach in Galveston, and being harrassed by some drunken frat boy in Metairie.
We also stayed in Ardmore in Oklahoma, but HOLY SHIT Oklahoma was hot and boring and ugly. I know that – like almost any place – there is probably cool stuff in Oklahoma if you look for it, but like some old guy by a river in Missouri once told me, ‘Once you cross the state line you’ve seen the whole state.’
Boring.
Let’s start at the beginning and wade through the complaints of hot weather to the present.
We started the trip with two nights in Onondaga Cave State Park, in Leasburg, Missouri, which was gorgeous. Somehow we managed not to go to Onondaga Cave (which I assume is also gorgeous) and spent our time doing things like not paddling down a river in a canoe and not going horseback riding, but the camp was green and shady and the people were mostly nice and quiet* and it was generally just a quiet, relaxing experience.
Then we climbed in the rMobile and headed further south, to Buda, Texas, for a Rankin family get together.
(Actually we stopped for a night in Ardmore, Oklahoma, but aside from the above I have a stunningly small amount to say about that state, so we’ll pretend it didn’t happen)
This is how these thing, in my experience, usually go: We arrive, it’s blisteringly hot, we eat A LOT and then Ace argues with Doug (his brother) about politics, Doug is wrong but everyone agrees with him because everyone is Texan (rich, white, christian, etc.) and hold the same views, and then we all say we love each other and go home.
That’s an oversimplification of things and it fails to mention the quality (and quantity) of desserts, but there you have it.
This time everyone tried to bite their tongues (Ace included) and while some tense conversations were had, nobody argued except Karen (who was right) and even then it was more like a lively conversation.
True to tradition it was still blisteringly hot (interesting note, it was 35C outside and Doug said to me ‘I’m glad you guys won’t be here when it gets hot’), and we still ate enough food to feed a herd of elephants for several months (though I doubt strawberry cheesecake is their thang), and there was a lot of love expressed.
The next day we climbed back into the faithful rMobile and headed into Austin to Veggie Heaven, which is the world’s greatest vegetarian restaurant.
Actually it’s not, but it was pretty good and I bought a T shirt to wear for ever and ever. Four stars.
Outside I found a real live copy of the Onion and nearly wet myself.
The day after that we chilled with Karen (Ace’s daughter) in Whole Foods, where I forgot to be trendy and buy a tote bag, and went to some huge mall where I didn’t forget to be trendy and bought a T shirt, a pair of jeans (that I cannot wear in Texas) and some boardshorts.
I am the hippest of the hip.
I also got a hair cut. Ace likes to tell people I Sinead O’connored myself, and it is very short, but comparing my hair to hers is a little bit of a lie since our haircuts are nothing alike.
The ’stylist’ (who worked in a mall) was called Brenna and she had green hair and tatoos and I tipped her because you tip hairdressers stylists here and because she did a good job, but pretty much she ignored me.
I wanted the left side of my head buzz cut and the right trimmed but left long with a distinct line between hair and no hair and I wanted it to be very dykey and very punk.
Somehow I ended up looking like Tegan Quinn, which I suppose is a (very) good thing because she has excellent hair but like… I was TRYING to be radical and somehow I ended up with the exact same haircut I got the last four times only shorter.
I look very trendy wearing my aviators now, and if I walked down the street wearing my orange leggings my trendiness would probably melt your face off. I’d be a hazard to public safety.
In short: my haircut is ok.
Then, instead of heading back to Kirksvegas as planned, we road tripped down to Galveston via Houston.
Houston was ugly from the interstate, all brown boxy buildings and steel bridges, but we didn’t actually go into it and I have no idea what the city is like.
Galveston, which is about an hour past Houston, is a beach resort type island, but I don’t understand why.
Perhaps I’ve been spoiled by Australian beaches (though Rhyll really doesn’t live up to that standard), but Galveston was UGLY. All concrete and sunburn and brown, dirty water.
I would never swim there in a million years.
Which is not to say I had a bad time. I had an excellent time.
I failed at all kinds of things, like swimming in a pool crowded with snotty little kids and angry mothers, and getting my palm read by a psychic who said ‘aks’ and tried to get me to pay double, and getting a henna tattoo of Buddhist symbols I can’t interpret.
I really wanted that tattoo too, but I’ll be damned if I spend two weeks saying ‘Oh I don’t know what it means, but it looks cool, right?’
I succeeded at a lot of things two. I succeeded at driving along seawall Blvd with the windows down, wearing aviators and people watching, I succeeded at exploring the rocks along the ‘beach’ with juno and nearly getting eaten by a giant mutant crab spider thing, and mostly I succeeded at eating a scoop of chocolate fudge cheesecake ice cream as big as my head from a Ben and Jerries store.
When I say ‘I succeeded’ what I really mean is ‘Ace and I did the following wonderful things.’
Props to Ace, the world’s best PT Cruiser driver. Ever.
(Sorry I can’t drive here Ace)
That night, sitting quietly in a hotel room, feeling sick from the ice cream and wondering how bad the day’s sunburn would be, we hit upon a brilliant plan: drive east to New Orleans, Louisiana.
So this morning, after much arguing (my fault, sorry) and the worlds BEST yoghurt and granola, we drove a short seven hours to the Big Easy.
We didn’t get here until after six, and besides failing to find Ace a poboy, eating square doughnuts and watching TV on the laptop, we haven’t really done much.
I did get harassed by some asshole, but it wasn’t very exciting. You’d think I could walk through the parking lot with a puppy and not be sexually harassed, but you’d be wrong. Apparently the dog looks better than me.
She is pretty cute.
Speaking of sex, which I wasn’t really but let’s start, driving from KV to here has exposed me to more sex shops than I have seen in my entire life. That sentence is ambiguous and with the surprise documentary below as evidence one might read it as implying that we stopped at them, but one would be wrong.
We just saw about a billion billboards.
What gets me is that in Texas, where the majority of ‘XXX Adult Superstores’ are to be found, you can’t buy spirits anywhere after 9pm.
Those Texans, they have such high morals.
Also, my info might be outdated and I don’t quite recall the source (something on feministing I think), but I believe there is a law banning the sale of dildo’s in Texas. So like. Wtf Texas, go home.
In unrelated news, Armadillos are bizarre, Louisiana is one giant swamp, Texan accents are great and I have rugburn** on my knee that hurts like you would not believe.
We’re staying tomorrow night, so tomorrow will be our day for asplorin’ Nawlins New Orleans.
The End.
*Except for the old couple in the RV who played loud elevator music while they played some bizarre game with nunchucks and a bedframe.
**Ace tells me I’m naive and should clarify that the carpet burn is from playing on the carpet with the dog, in shorts. I spose I am in the Big Easy, but shit, get your mind out of the gutter.
